30 Lessons for Loving by Karl Pillemer Ph.D

Author:Karl Pillemer, Ph.D.
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2014-11-11T16:00:00+00:00

Rule 4: If Necessary, Put Distance Between You and Problematic In-laws

The experts believe you should work hard on the relationship with your in-laws, even though it may mean compromise, strategically withholding some opinions, and searching for points to respect and admire. But what if nothing works? What if contact with in-laws is strained or unpleasant, and you are being asked to surrender who you are to maintain the relationship? In such cases, the experts advise you: Keep your distance.

Gina McCoy, seventy-three, and her husband, Cam, have been married for thirty-five years. A legacy both brought to the relationship was difficult family backgrounds, in which both sets of parents fought a lot with each other. They learned early in their marriage that they were in line for contentious in-law relationships. Gina described the strategy they employed:

Well, what we did was move away from both sets of parents. We realized early on that my mother is very controlling and both mothers tend to take sides. And so we decided, “Well, we’re going to leave.” We ended up moving out West. We really got away from everybody. And then we eventually had to rely on each other and make our own decisions, and not have anybody say, “Well, why are you doing this?” and “Why are you doing that?”

This couple—and most others—did not consider cutting off relationships entirely. The experts recommend against such extreme steps, if for no other reason than your children’s need to know their grandparents. According to Gina:

But we always had our home open to the folks, and they did come visit once or twice a year, and we got back East at least once a year. I did it with the family, and then I just stayed at my parents’ for a week or so and then got the car and drove over to his parents’. We were away about ten years, and I really think that the success of our marriage was because we had to rely on each other. Couldn’t run to somebody and say, “Oh, look what he did, look what she did,” because I tend to do that. So that’s another overriding thing: You want to kind of sublimate your differences so that your kids have a happy life with their grandparents.

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